Husband and wife jokes

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with

A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand,

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts
hitting the blanket until the

My wife and I really love bondage.
She loves it because she's a kinky bitch

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband: Oh dear,

Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes.

A husband and wife are having financial troubles.
They agree she should walk the streets to pick up some extra cash.
The husband drops his wife off in the red light

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained

Wife to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!"
Husband: "Okay,

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson,

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give

I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.

Husband asks his wife:
- Would you like to spend a nice

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts,

A husband and wife entered the dentist's room. He said, "I want a tooth pulled. We are in a hurry - so no Novocain or gas. Just pull the tooth out."
"

Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do:

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey,

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife

A man and a woman got married, and he told her : " since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits...and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition:
on Wednesdays i play football with my friends...no matter what..whether it snows or it rains...i don't care..i play football!!
-Is it clear for you?, -husband asks his wife
-yes sure, she answers
So, the second tradition...on Fridays i play poker with my friends, no mater what, i play poker!!
-is it clear for you? - he asks
- yes, sure, -

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want