Quotes

Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.

When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.

Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.

Promises are like babies... They're fun to make but hard to deliver.

The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.

It may seem like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to disappear.

If you're using the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby", try taking candy from a baby.

The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.

You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it's possibly because there's more manure there!

Television is a medium - anything well done is rare.

I'm really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

You have to excuse me, I suffer from emotional constipation. I really can't give a shit.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

My middle finger salutes you!

A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.

The only scenario where you really need a land line today is when you're trying to find your smartphone.

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

It is a fact of nature that light arrives faster than sound. Which is why some people can appear quite bright, until they speak.

I'm very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have mistaken me for somebody who's interested.

It is what's inside that matters - the fridge is a perfect example.

They say money doesn't grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?

I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.

A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself - well, so far so good!

A truth of life: Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!

Too long speeches lead to no actions.

If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.

A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.

Never drive faster than a guardian angel can fly.

Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying
in a new BMW than on a bike.

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience ... well, that comes from poor judgment.

Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately I can't stick my head that far up my ass.

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Another name for a vagina is a cockpit

Men are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

She was hungry for love and didn't know where her next male was coming from.

She is so blonde, she studied for a blood test.

A dog's erection looks exactly like lipstick, but it sure doesn't taste like it.

A penis is like a mans life.....woman make it hard

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.

Sex is like a motor racing - the most important thing is not to save money for best quality rubber.

My unit would like to explore your crater.

There's something actionable in your pants.

All is a shitting, except the pissing, but the pissing becomes a shitting if you piss against the wind.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life

C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping

If sleep is really good for the brain, then why is it not permitted in school?

Men are like public toilets. They are either engaged or full of shit.

Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.