What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said "Final Notice".
Good that he will not bother me anymore.
- How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
- His lips begin to move.
A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat.
While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat.
The lawyer starts yelling, 'Oh my God!
Help me, help me!'
His wife runs up and asks what's the matter.
The lawyer points to his feet and screams, 'I'm melting!
I'm melting...!'
-Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
-To practice.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire sucks you're blood only at midnight!
-What do lawyers wear to court?
-Lawsuits!
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand.
Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies: "It's the $100 I owe you."