Quotes

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

The road to success is always under construction.