Jokes

What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him

Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man’s penis?
His body.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Three words women hate to hear when having sex
“Honey, I’m home!”

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What’s the difference between love, true love
and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling

What’s the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don’t want to look down…

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer

What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!

Why are electric trains like a mother’s breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it’s the fathers who are always playing with them.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It’s the only time they get something into a woman’s head
straight!

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is humping her

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don’t have balls to scratch.