Wordplay humor

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It’s the only time they get something into a woman’s head
straight!

Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must have been around 8 or 11 feet tall.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"
So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's about as far as I remember.

Why did the rabbits go on strike?
They wanted a better celery.

- What is a banana's favorite gymnastic move?
- The splits!

Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Johnny: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

What did the vagina say to the penis.
So do you cum here often.

"Mommie, Mommie....did you know that nurses can come apart..?"
"Well...no. What makes you say that..?"
"Because the other night, I overheard Daddy say that he screwed the ass off of a nurse..!"

Son: Dad, it's so cold in here!
Father: Go stand in the corner.
Son: Why?
Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

-What do lawyers wear to court?
-Lawsuits!

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

All is a shitting, except the pissing, but the pissing becomes a shitting if you piss against the wind.