Off-color jokes

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What’s the difference between love, true love
and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling

What’s the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don’t want to look down…

What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

Why are electric trains like a mother’s breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it’s the fathers who are always playing with them.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It’s the only time they get something into a woman’s head
straight!

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is humping her

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

- You are so kind, funny and beautiful.
- Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.
- And smart, too!

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.
In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

- What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
- They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

My wife and I really love bondage.
She loves it because she's a kinky bitch.
I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband: Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road.
He stops.
And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
- (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
- Well, don't care and buy another car.
- Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
- Look inside her mouth!!!