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Husband and wife jokes


Jokes : 28 
  Letter : H 

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Description: Jokes about husband and wife






Joke about bar and husband, wife


One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."


 Categories :   Bar Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife


Wife to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!"
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife and anniversary


Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


 Categories :   Husband and wife Anniversary


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Joke about husband, wife, group sex vulgar


Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."


 Categories :   Husband and wife Group sex Vulgar


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Joke about husband, wife, desert island, cheating vulgar


A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like fu:::king from up here!"


 Categories :   Husband and wife Desert Island Cheating Vulgar


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Joke about husband, wife and sex


A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”


 Categories :   Husband and wife Sex


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Joke about husband, wife


A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife


Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife


I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.
She realized he was dead just after she said, " ... and that was my day. How was your day?"


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife


Husband asks his wife:
- Would you like to spend a nice weekend?
- Of course my dear!
- See you on Monday then.


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife vulgar


An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."


 Categories :   Husband and wife Vulgar


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Joke about husband, wife, penis vulgar


A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


 Categories :   Husband and wife Penis Vulgar


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Joke about husband, wife and dentists


A husband and wife entered the dentist's room. He said, "I want a tooth pulled. We are in a hurry - so no Novocain or gas. Just pull the tooth out."
" You are a brave man,” said the dentist. "Now show me the tooth"
"Open your mouth,” said the man to his wife and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."


 Categories :   Husband and wife Dentists


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Joke about husband, wife


Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says, "I’m sorry honey but you are going to die."


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife vulgar


A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"


 Categories :   Husband and wife Vulgar


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Joke about husband, wife and quarreling


Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"


 Categories :   Husband and wife Quarreling


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Joke about husband, wife


"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife vulgar


A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin", you sure never moved like that forty years ago or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"


 Categories :   Husband and wife Vulgar


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Joke about husband, wife


A man and a woman got married, and he told her : " since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits...and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition:
on Wednesdays i play football with my friends...no matter what..whether it snows or it rains...i don't care..i play football!!
-Is it clear for you?, -husband asks his wife
-yes sure, she answers
So, the second tradition...on Fridays i play poker with my friends, no mater what, i play poker!!
-is it clear for you? - he asks
- yes, sure, - she answers.
The third tradition...on Sundays i go fishing, no matter what, i go fishing...whether it snows or it rains...i go fishing!!!
- Is it clear for you? - he asks
- yes, sure, she answers.
-Any objections? -he asks
-no, i understand, - his wife answers.
- Maybe you have your own traditions ?- he asks.
She thought for a while and said: "well, i have, but only one...every night at 10 p.m. i have sex...whether i have my husband beside me, or i don't have ...i don't care..i have sex!!!!


 Categories :   Husband and wife


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Joke about husband, wife vulgar


One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


 Categories :   Husband and wife Vulgar


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• Group: Family •

Husband and wife  •  Son  •  Wife

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