Doctor jokes

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first surgery operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

Mr. Smith: "Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed
me yesterday?"
Doctor: "Yes, what's the matter?"
Mr. Smith: "I would like to use it but I can't open the bottle!"

Patient asks his doctor: "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?"
Doctor: "Yes, if you are able to fill it up. "

A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor said: "It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age."
Patient: "The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?"

Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?"
Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

At the doctors office:
Doc: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live..."
Man: "Doctor what on earth are you saying?", clearly chocked, "Tell me what can I do to live at least a little linger, please..."
Doc: "Do you eat fried food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it's so that I live more... ill do it"
Doc: "Do you eat fat food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it's so that I live more... ok doc"
Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it's so that I live more... ok"
Doc: "Do you have sex often?"
Man: "Yes!
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it's so that I live more... I'll do that too"
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it's so that I live more... I will"
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn't tell me, if I do all the things you told me, how longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week... but it will seem like a century..."

Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you."
Patient: "It's all-right. I'm not in a hurry."

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

A man at the doctors:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
- "What seems to be the problem?"
- "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
- "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
- "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
- "Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
- "I have! I still don't get enough."
- "Take another lover."
- "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
- "Gosh, that's an anomaly."
- "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"