Dirty humor

- You are so kind, funny and beautiful.
- Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.
- And smart, too!

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.
In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

- What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
- They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

My wife and I really love bondage.
She loves it because she's a kinky bitch.
I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.