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Joke about car
- You know how it is in life. One door closes - that means another door opens... - Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I'm expecting a serious discount on that car!
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Car
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Joke about husband, wife
A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?" The husband: "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"
Joke about children
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
Joke about boomerang
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
Joke about doctor black
Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first surgery operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
Joke about doctor
Mr. Smith: "Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed
me yesterday?"
Doctor: "Yes, what's the matter?"
Mr. Smith: "I would like to use it but I can't open the bottle!"
Joke wordplay
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" That's about as far as I remember.
Joke about political
-What do politicians and diapers have in common?
- Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
Joke about parrot
I'm selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
Joke about little johnny
Little Johnny asks his father: - Where does the wind come from? - I don't know. - Why do dogs bark? - I don't know. - Why is the earth round? - I don't know. - Does it disturb you that I ask so much? - No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.
Joke about genies
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me..." Wish granted.
Joke about cinema
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on - the prices are way too high, plus I haven't had a barbecue in months.
Joke about hunting black
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
Joke about office and food
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".
Joke about lie
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, "So, you were at school today, right?" Son: "Yeah." Detector: "Beep." Son: "OK, OK, I was in a cinema." Detector: "Beep." Son: "Alright, I went for a beer with my friends." Father: "What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol!" Detector: "Beep." Mother laughs: "Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!" Detector: "Beep."
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Lie
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